it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
