Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Jerry, you need to find god
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I just found puke in my bra..
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
