that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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