her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
