I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
