dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
