I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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