god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
