My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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