I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
