the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
My underwear smells like fireworks.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Reggie can tackle my bush.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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