She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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