I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
