I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
