He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Is Oprah even human
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
