I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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