saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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