Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
