Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just gift wrapped bread.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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