i may or may not be watching the land before time
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
How does one acquire holy water?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
