Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
