genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Watching her eat just hurts me
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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