We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
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I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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