I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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