I should be sponsored by Trojan
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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