I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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