I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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