I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
