this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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