That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
How's work?
Spinning.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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