So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
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