I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
