You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
