the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
