They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
