last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
