benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
