Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
