Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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