Just fell off a train. Bad.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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