i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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