She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
