i think my tv is drunk
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize