Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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