i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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