Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
