She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
