She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
