i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
