I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
NoShamevember. You game?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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