i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I don't deserve a penis
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
