It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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