I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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