I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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