Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
