Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
