a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
