Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
