the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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