Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
