When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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