just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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